But in marriage there was an immediate disconnect. He worked longer and longer hours. She would wake up in the morning and discover he had been on the computer all night.

"It felt wrong," she said. "Everything felt wrong."

Pregnant and insecure, she began obsessively checking the computer for pornography. On several occasions she found what she was looking for. She would cry. He would make excuses. Their bishop dealt with the problem by giving her husband simple advice: "Don't look anymore."

She knew it wasn't that easy.

"It was crazy making," she said. "I was obsessed with continually checking the computer."

At night, she'd feign sleep until he dozed off. Then she would check his computer again and again. "I would confront him. He would get angry and turn it on me.... He said, 'I have it under control."'

Maybe his problem was her fault, she finally concluded.

Then one night she learned her husband had betrayed her again. Returning to bed she stopped on the stairs and prayed. "You have to let me know what to do," she pleaded. "I can't keep doing this." Instantly, she knew she had value.

Anger filled her soul. She raced upstairs, turned on the lights, and yelled: "I won't accept this in my home! You are not going to do this to me! You are not going to do this to my family!"

For the first time in the marriage he broke down. "I am addicted to pornography," he said, noting that he had been viewing it since he first saw it at a member friend's home when he was 8 years old. "I need help."

He felt better. The burden he had been carrying his entire life was lifted.

She felt nauseous. She could barely get up in the morning. Now, she feared, the burden was hers.

"I didn't know if I was strong for staying or weak for not leaving," she said.

No. 1 concern for families

Their story — and the others printed anonymously in this week's Church News — are mirrored in the lives of hundreds of Latter-day Saint couples, divided by a spouse engaging in two relationships.

At a time when an estimated 8 to 10 percent of Americans are dealing with compulsive sexual behaviors or addictions, hundreds of Church leaders and Latter-day Saint mental health professionals list pornography as the No. 1 concern for Latter-day Saint families.

An estimated 40 million Americans regularly visit pornographic websites. Although many outside the Church don't consider the behavior to be a problem, Latter-day Saint experts in the field recognize the devastating and growing impacts of the large, plague-like epidemic.

Tragically, said Todd Olson, a licensed clinical social worker and program director of the LifeSTAR network, which specializes in helping Latter-day Saints deal with sexual additions, pornography draws a husband away from his family and entices him to connect with things that are not real. "There is so, so much pain," he said.

"There is no way it doesn't impact families," said Dorothy Maryon, a licensed professional counselor who spends most of her time counseling the spouses of those addicted to pornography. "Family relationships must include trust and respect."

'I was really hurting'

A month after her temple marriage to a returned missionary, she returned home from work in the middle of the day. Her husband, struggling to find employment, was on the computer viewing pornography.

"I remember thinking, 'Do I stay or do I go.' I felt betrayed and deceived. I didn't know if this was serious enough to end a temple marriage."

Instead of leaving, she determined to find help. She talked to her bishop and sought counseling, read books and attended support groups. "We jumped from one thing to the next, trying it for several sessions. Nothing was working."

Worse, was the fact that she felt totally ignored in the process. "I was really hurting," she said. "He had been dealing with this for many years of his life." She searched in vain for someone to validate her feelings, to understand the private and painful hurt of her heart.

Ultimately, she started a therapy journal. She would cry and write, cry and write, for pages and pages, hoping to understand her thoughts.

Finally, she came to one conclusion: It is painful when my husband looks at pornography and has a physical reaction to it because it feels like he is having a sexual relationship with another woman. To her, she concluded, pornography was akin to adultery.

Isolation

Sister Maryon said one of the biggest things women face when they learn of their husbands' addiction is a sense of betrayal and loss. "They lose what they thought was real," she said.

Complicating the problem is a huge sense of isolation.

"This is not something you tell your visiting teachers," one woman said. "Where do you go? You go in confidence to your bishop. If he doesn't know where to go or how to navigate the system, you don't get help."

Another victim said she secretly wished her husband was an alcoholic. "Then I could talk to people about it."

There is a tremendous amount of shame, said Dan Gray, a licensed clinical social worker and director of the LifeSTAR Network. "We want to reduce the shame. Shame is the driving force behind most addictions."

Continuing cycle

It was a cycle she recognized early in the marriage. Her returned missionary "angel husband" would change, seemingly for no reason. He would become "verbally abusive and horrible." Six months into the marriage, he told her the truth: he was addicted to pornography.

"It just got worse, not better," she said. "He would watch a video or go to the strip club. Then he would feel guilty. This guilt came out in anger."

She tried in vain to keep the house clean, to be the perfect wife. The cycles continued.

He had hoped that by marrying a beautiful wife, his problem would go away. But the longer she was married, the less attractive she began to feel.

While trying to save him, she began to lose herself. "I felt like a non-person," she said. "I forgot who I was."

Self-esteem

Many women, in essence, become obsessed with their husband's obsession, said Sister Maryon. They lose self-esteem.

"With no understanding about the disorder, wives often feel responsible, which is such a horrible mistake. They feel like, 'If I was pretty, if I was more sensual, if I cooked better, he wouldn't do this,"' said Sister Maryon. "Women don't realize it is not about them. It doesn't have anything to do with his love for her."

Generally speaking, she said, men had the problem long before marriage. She estimates 98 percent of her clients' husbands brought the problem into marriage.

Others stumble onto the problem because of the ease of the Internet.

Jeffrey Robinson, a psychotherapist who holds a Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy, said the population of men who struggle with pornography has shifted in the last 10 years. "These are guys who come from fairly functional families," he said. "Because of the ease of access and anonymity of the Internet, it has become a much more significant problem."

Secrets

Her oldest sons sat her down with printed e-mails and other devastating evidence. Her husband of more than 35 years, a former bishop and high councilor, had been viewing pornography and hiring prostitutes.

For several years she had known there was a problem. She had found a yellow-page ad for escort services in his clothing while doing laundry. They had not had an intimate relationship for more than five years. He had stopped buying her gifts and clothing, saying it was because she had gained weight and she was now buying her own.

But he didn't seem to notice when she lost weight. She couldn't shake the feeling: something in the marriage felt very wrong.

Faced with the information that he had betrayed her, she felt empowered, not devastated.

"I was not surprised," she recalled later. "I said, 'Hallelujah, you have found the missing pieces.' But I was shocked by how terrible it was."

Now, she felt they could seek help and counseling. They could rebuild their lives. "You can't have a relationship with someone you can't trust," she said. "As long as it was a secret, as long as there were lies, everyone was being hurt."

She confronted him. "We have to keep this secret," he told her. "He wanted to make everything appear as if nothing happened."

She asked for honesty: honesty in the Church, the marriage and with the couples' finances. She was worth nothing less, she said.

When forced to choose, he couldn't make the commitment. "He turned his back on me," she said.

Atonement

Rory Reid, a licensed therapist, author and program director for the Provo Counseling Center, said although nearly half of women who learn of their husbands' compulsive sexual behavior threaten divorce, less than 8 percent actually dissolve the marriage, and in those situations, the husband has shown no effort to change or continues to lie about his behavior.

Brother Gray said he encourages his clients to not make any major decisions for one year. They feel pressure and anger. "They have to get to a place where the Atonement has meaning."

Often, Brother Gray said, it is hard for a woman to forgive her husband. It is a process of rebuilding trust and should not be rushed. Some women, not ready to immediately forgive, live with tremendous guilt, he added. "They worry they are committing the bigger sin."

Brother Gray counsels bishops to regularly check on a spouse, many whose testimonies are shaken to the core.

"They wonder, 'Why was I guided to marry this man?"' Sister Maryon said.

However, she emphasizes, "Most of these relationships can be healed. It takes a huge toll on everybody involved. Believe it or not, couples come out of it stronger and healthier."

'Life is good'

Today, she is with her husband because she wants to be. "That is a huge change. Life is good. It is happy."

Still, she cries when she thinks about her past.

After struggling with pornography for many, many years, her husband felt broken. He would try to "white knuckle" the problem — to push through it — but he always fell. The scriptures and general conference haunted him. Prayer and fasting didn't take the problem away.

Ultimately he concluded: "There is a God. He does answer prayers. He doesn't want to listen to me because I am worthless."

Void of self-esteem and filled with self-loathing, he would easily become violent at home, throwing things and yelling. Although not afraid for her own safety, his wife would take their child and leave.

But with nowhere to go — she couldn't tell neighbors or family, she concluded — she would drive to the parking lot of a local retail store and play with her child in the car.

Today, she has simple advice for others: "If you feel like something is wrong, there is something wrong."

And, she adds, there is hope.

With help from a supportive bishop, counseling and the Atonement, her husband has control of his addiction and his anger. He is a good husband and father. Together, they share their story to help others.

"I have a good marriage," she said. "I am excited for the future. I am not scared of it."

Next week: Pornography: Addiction and recovery. In coming weeks experts will answer your questions about pornography and its impact.

E-mail questions to sarah@desnews.com or jhart@desnews.com.