When the writer of Proverbs spoke of a mother's law being like chains about the neck, he was probably talking about chains of gold, ornaments to be worn like grace throughout our life. He summed up the essential fact of this relationship between mothers and their children, that what we learn as children is a mother's greatest legacy.
If mothers didn't exist, we'd likely have to invent them. We are a particularly vulnerable lot, subject to self-doubt and inner criticism. Without the nurturing, loving and caring - in short, the mothering - that we get from the time we are born, we couldn't survive.Each year when spring takes over the world our thoughts dwell on birth and renewal and we realize again the enormous debt we owe our mothers. The question becomes, how can we pay them a proper tribute?
A few ways come to mind:
By not assuming that one day a year suffices to express all our gratitude for our growth and character that she gave to us.
By recognizing that mothers are human, too, and subject to making mistakes.
By allowing her to feel a bit inadequate after seeing yet another Mother's Day program extolling qualities she isn't certain she has. And by reassuring her that she is, after all, doing a great job.
By not assuming that some of the tedious chores around the house are hers by reason of genetic inheritance; that others - like teenagers and fathers - are also capable of cleaning bathrooms.
By encouraging her to have interests outside of us, her family; and by supporting her as she develops them.
By paying special attention to the single mothers around us, who more often than not fill the role of mother and father with less income and family support than needed.
By recognizing that society itself has changed greatly, bringing more uncertainty into our lives and more apprehension to mothers worried about their childrens' futures. Our assistance is vital.
By honoring her choice to stay at home with her family if circumstances permit, becoming thereby the person who does the errands, is a friend to the neighborhood and a stalwart resource for grateful teachers.
By acknowledging, if she must work outside the home, that her contributions are needed and appreciated, and by assuming our proper share of the rest of the family responsibilities.
By giving more of ourselves and demanding less from her. By dispensing liberally back to her the hugs and touches she banked with us when we were younger.
By talking with her, explaining our hopes for the future and our timidity in the present, sharing the thoughts of our souls, knowing that her support is constant when others may weaken.
By allowing her, at the same time, the unexpected luxury of listening as she describes her own hopes, fears and concerns; and by understanding that she also has spiritual and emotional needs that only we, her children, can fulfill.
As teens, by not rolling our eyes and sighing when she asks us for the second, third or fourth time to do what we promised we would do the first time she asked.
By showing that we have become the mature adult she always saw in us, even when others despaired of our maturity.
By appreciating her interest in us and our plans, an interest that will not diminish as our relationship changes from child/parent to teen/parent to adult/parent.
By calling or writing often, after we have left her home to go out as adults, to tell her how much we learned from her, even if we weren't always appreciative of the lessons at the time.
And when old age has come upon her, and if unfortunately our roles reverse and we become the parent by circumstance and necessity, we pay tribute to her by accepting our role with the absolute certainty that she would have done the same - and, indeed, once did for our sake.
By accepting gratefully the happy fact that she will always see us differently than anyone else in the world, whether she was our mother by birth, by adoption or by other circumstances that created the everlasting bond between us.
The life-long lessons of caring and decency that we learned from her are her legacy to us. The extent that we heed them becomes our tribute in return, even as the writer of Proverbs extolled.
