I've been a college professor since 1965, and I've been a bishop of a college married ward for nearly three years. I suggest the following concerning roommates:
Start out right. The best way to eliminate a misunderstanding is to communicate expectations and responsibilities. Overcome potential incompatibility by establishing living standards.- Identify your possessions. Get a name stamp and put your name on your things. Put the stamp where others can see it. Let others know when you move in that you have your name stamped on things.
Be flexible with each other's schedule. For instance, in a college situation, if you and your roommate agree to lights out at 10 p.m. and the library is open until midnight, do your studies at the library. Coordinate schedules. Be cooperative and flexible, but set limits to flexibility. Let each other know of upcoming events or parties in the home. Determine what an appropriate time would be.
Inspect your apartment or home thoroughly with your landlord if you are renting. This way you know what's broken or in good-working order before moving in. Make sure any problems are written down. This way you're protected from unnecessary expenses and arguments.
In family situations, the following helps:
Discuss each other's expectations and schedules as a married couple -and/or as a family. Decide how you will cooperate and coincide your schedules and your family's schedules.
Set a budget. In relation to privacy, a budget can ensure that each has a little personal money. - Roger Bacon, Flagstaff, Ariz.
How we did it:
Large family
Our family is large. Twelve children graced our table. It was difficult to keep order when younger siblings would get into older children's property. Our plan was:
Each child was responsible for his or her own property.
If they didn't want others to take their property, they put it away - out of reach, out of sight.
We never embarrassed them by saying, "Shame on you for not sharing."
We respected their decisions to use their own property the way they wanted to.
We would say, "Would you like to share with brother, sister or friend?" If the answer was "no," we respected that decision, usually prompting them to put the article out of sight.
The sweetest part of this simple plan was the children very seldom made a fuss about sharing. They all seemed to have big, willing hearts with everyone. - Rosemary Fawson, St. George, Utah
More harmony
We all agreed that even in the home there are rules for respecting the privacy of members of the household. If we are considerate of others in this way, there is more harmony in the home. We found that it is even a greater issue for roommates. The following are some ideas we came up with:
We do not touch another person's things without asking.
We do not read another's mail, personal papers or journals.
We do not listen in on phone conversations.
We knock before entering another person's room.
We try to be sensitive of another person's feelings.
We do not betray another person's confidence.
We let each other have space.
When one respects the privacy of another, he or she is telling the other that his or her time, property and life are of value and worth. - Dale and Caryl Coots family, Centerville, Va.
Allow space
I spoke with my friends at the office. We came up with the following:
Allow family members time to spend in their own space, even if it's just their bed or a corner of a room.
Keep confidences.
Keep your family problems and family members' problems to yourself. It can take away a person's dignity to know that others know about his or her problems.
Don't belittle your spouse, family member or roommate in front of others. Problems should be kept within the walls of your own home. - Anne Mortenson, Klamath Falls, Ore.
Knock before entering
Knock before entering bedrooms and bathrooms.
Don't borrow items belonging to another without receiving permission.
"A place for everything and everything in its place" will keep possessions from being used or abused.
Don't listen in on other's phone calls. Be willing to leave the room if the call is especially private. This is very important if sensitive Church business is being conducted by phone.
Don't open mail addressed to others.
Allow parents or siblings to entertain their guests without interference.
Don't go through the drawers or closets of another unless prior consent has been given.
Whenever possible, respect individual requests for quiet time, selection of television programs, etc.
Be willing to say "I'm sorry."
Read an etiquette book. Contrary to what appears to be popular opinion, using good manners doesn't make life "stuffy." It helps to create harmony. - Susan Frost, La Canada, Calif.
Communication needed
Whether we're older or younger, we need our space - whether it's a half of a bedroom or whatever. We need to respect each other's space. We've always believed in knocking on closed doors, and we expect our children to do the same for us. Probably the most important thing in respecting privacy is for our children to know that we trust them that they will be honest with us. Then it's easier to let them have their space. I think that with trust and honesty, there needs to be communication. This is important with teenage children, knowing that they'll not have things in their rooms that are harmful substances.
The gospel is based on trust; this goes along with respect for each other. - Edward and Sheraldean Jones, Lovell, Wyo.
Forgive, forget
Knock and wait for response on a bedroom door. Even though you may be family members, you should always ask if you can use their property. Always be willing to forgive and forget, especially if you share a room. Be willing to compromise and listen to each other. If you are a young person and a situation gets out of hand, ask your parents for help. We have a job chart that makes everyone's responsibilities clear. This helps there be no confusion. - Roy and Kathy Marshall family, Havelock, N.C.
How to checklist:
1 Establish communication; discuss expectations.
2 Don't air problems outside the home; keep confidences.
3 Don't borrow without asking; don't read journals, etc.
4 Respect requests for time alone; be sensitive.
WRITE TO US:
Aug. 12 "How to make the transition easier both physically and emotionally when moving to a new area."
Aug. 19 "How to help your children be enthusiastic about the new school year."
Aug. 26 "How to be sensitive in your efforts as a member-missionary."
Sept. 2 "How to find comfort after the death of a pet."
Sept. 9 "How to find positive direction, focus in your life."
Sept. 16 "How to overcome obstacles to meaningful Church activity as a new member.
Had any good experiences or practical success in any of the above subjects? Share them with our readers in about 100-150 words. Write the "How-to" editor, Church News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, Utah 84110, or send fax to (801) 237-2121. Please include a name and phone number. Contributions may be edited or excerpted and will not be returned. Due to limited space, some contributions may not be used; those used should not be regarded as official Church doctrine or policy. Material must be received at least 12 days before publication date.
