The following considerations have helped me to find peace and strength:
Resolve to live one day at a time. Pray for strength to do so.- Work through the stages of grieving - denial, anger, depression and acceptance. Don't short-circuit any of these stages.
Realize death is a part of the plan of salvation. Mortal life is a relatively short span in eternity. Death has been a natural part of life in all its forms since the fall of Adam.
Realize the atonement and the resurrection assure us of ultimate victory over the grave.
Constantly pray for acceptance, peace and understanding. Eventually, this will bring the desired results.
Search the scriptures. The Topical Guide is a source of multiple comforting scriptures.
Read gospel-oriented books regarding the LDS view of death. This will bring great understanding.
Treasure up the words of the modern prophets regarding death.
Realize that many situations are worse than death. Death for the righteous is a grand release from earthly travails.
Write down as much as you can about your parents' lives as soon as you feel able. Reading these memoirs will keep your parents close to you in mind and spirit throughout the years.
Put away feelings of guilt about what might have been. The past cannot be undone, but if we remain worthy there certainly will be a glorious relationship in a future sphere. - Romney Burke, West Linn, Ore.
What we did:
Continue family traditions
Each year Dad planned and prepared for our annual family reunion. Less than a month after Dad died, it was family reunion time again. There was some discussion about it being difficult to have a reunion so soon after Dad's passing, but we realized that the strength, unity and happiness we had brought to each other at previous reunions was needed even more now. We have had two reunions without Dad and plan to continue this important tradition in the future. - Karen L. Drummond, Chico, Calif.
Don't counsel Lord
The best way I have found to cope with the death of my mother is to talk about her. Observe every holiday that comes along and make the most out of it.
Do not be discouraged; do not attempt to counsel the Lord. He knows hearts and souls and needs. - Kathleen L. Henning, Waterloo, Wis.
Overcome anger
My father died an alcoholic. I was angry at him for the punishment he put our family through and did not attend his funeral. However, after I went through the temple, I had the temple work done for my father and grandparents. Much to my surprise, I felt my father's presence during the sealing. I knew he had accepted the temple work and was working hard so we will have the relationship we did not have in mortality. I felt deep love for him, and that love tempered the pain and anger. Now I can't wait to be with him again.
Being angry is legitimate. Don't beat yourself up if you feel angry because it is not Christian. Admit you are angry. "Talk" to the deceased parent about it. They may hear you. Talk to Heavenly Father about it. He understands how you feel. Seek help from your bishop, home teacher and a professional therapist. But please don't stay angry. There is no peace as long as you are angry. - Kathy Doan, Salt Lake City, Utah
Remembrance box
Everyone copes with the death of a loved one in such different ways. For me, it was talking about my father and hearing about him from others. I also keep a little remembrance box of things that have special meaning to me about my father. Whenever I miss him, I can go to my little box and take out these remembrances, and certainly cry. - Janet Dietzel, Spokane, Wash.
Honor her name
I am learning to understand God's will with my heart and accept that my mother has been separated from her dear ones only temporarily.
I am learning to honor my mother's name by continuing to do the temple ordinances for her ancestors.
I am learning to cry in peace by being close to my Savior.
I am learning to be aware of others' needs and feelings and not center life on myself.
I am learning that I need the plan of salvation. - Diana Diaz Reynolds, Rochester, N.Y.
Write a letter
Since my father took six weeks to pass on, we all had time to say goodbye. For children who do not have this extra blessing, write the parent a letter and tell them how you feel. Place the letter in the casket or keep it in a safe place to read it again when times are hard. - Tina Lamola Walters, Las Vegas, Nev.
Help others cope
I think the most therapeutic thing I did was to try and help other family members and friends understand the loss. As I would talk to and comfort others, I realized that I was not saying anything new.
If things still seem cloudy and unclear, it might be a good idea to sit in on a plan of salvation discussion given by the missionaries or a lesson given in the gospel principles class. - Jeff Wright, Cheyenne, Wyo.
Priesthood blessings
Receiving priesthood blessings was a great source of strength for me. They helped me to deal with the dramatic shock of Mother's sudden demise. Shortly after Mom's death, I was watching the movie "Man's Search for Happiness," and this really helped to ease the pain of losing my mother. - Jann M. Frank, O'Neill, Neb.
Comforting influence
Even though I knew we were an eternal family, I still had to live each day without my mom. During nighttime hours of despair, silent singing of a hymn brought peace within my heart. The comforting influence of the Holy Ghost helped me deal with the death of my mother. - Peggy Van Ausdal, Salem, Utah
Death cleared path
When my dad died, I was the only member of the Church in my family. I had been inactive and was secretly struggling with a drug problem. As I sat beside his bed the night before he died, I told him not to be afraid because I knew we would be together again. Those words came tumbling forth from a place deep inside me I thought I had long since forgotten.
Somehow, his death cleared a path for my return to Church. Within a few months, I sought help for my drug problem, visited my bishop and recently attended the temple for the first time in 17 years. - Name withheld, Chicago, Ill.
How to checklist:
Seek the Spirit; pray, study scriptures, attend temple.
Allow grief; cry, speak of parent; write personal histories.
Continue family traditions; do family history, temple work.
Forgive, overcome anger, if necessary; forgive yourself.
Write to us :
Oct. 4 "How to apply general conference counsel in your life."
Oct. 18 "How to find balance as primary care-giver of a sick or elderly loved one."
Oct. 25 "How to fortify your homes against evil."
Nov. 1 "How to avoid a mid-life crisis."
Nov. 8 "How to help your marriage grow while you're in college."
Nov. 15 "How to encourage children and young people to be physically active."
Nov. 22 "How to diminish sibling rivalry."
Also interested in letters on these topics: "How to get out of a rut in your career," "How to develop a healthy dating relationship," "How to help yourself or loved one overcome an abusive nature."
Had any good experiences or practical success in any of the above subjects? Share them with our readers in about 100-150 words. Write the "How-to" editor, Church News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, Utah 84110, send fax to (801) 237-2524 or use internet E-mail: forum@desnews.com. Please include a name and phone number. Contributions may be edited or excerpted and will not be returned. Due to limited space, some contributions may not be used; those used should not be regarded as official Church doctrine or policy. Material must be received at least 12 days before publication date.
