For Jill McAuley, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, knowing her identity as a child of God has helped her both overcome and glory in her infirmities (see 2 Corinthians 12:9).
Despite being paralyzed in a car crash at 18 years old, she has spent the last 20-plus years deepening her spiritual and emotional growth through service, study and grace through Christ.
She joins Church News reporter Mary Richards to discuss this transformational journey of finding freedom and purpose in her faith beyond ability.
Listen to this episode of the Church News podcast on Apple Podcasts, Amazon, Spotify, bookshelf PLUS, YouTube or wherever you get podcasts.
Transcript:
Jill McAuley: I know that, like Paul, that I can glory in my infirmities, because they are the pathway to develop a deep relationship with Christ. And I know if I had not had this experience of being paralyzed, that I might not know the joy of my redemption. I know God is good and has a plan for me because of Jesus. This is His plan of restoration, and it’s restoring me spiritually, and one day it will restore me physically. Jesus Christ is the answer to all of my “why” questions. He has become my “why.”
0:50
Mary Richards: This is Mary Richards, reporter at the Church News. Welcome to the Church News podcast. Today, we are taking you on a journey of connection as we discuss news and events of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Jill McAuley was in a car crash when she was 18, driving home from her first year of college. She suffered a spinal cord injury that left her a quadriplegic. Over the last 25 years, Jill has had a journey filled with many lessons, but the greatest lesson has been to understand that she is not her disability — her greatest identity is as a child of God. She joins me now from her home in Washington.
Jill, welcome to the Church News podcast.
Jill McAuley: Thank you so much. I’m very honored to be here.
1:43
Mary Richards: We met on the floor of the Marriott Center at BYU after Sister Kristin M. Yee, who is the second counselor in the Relief Society general presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, shared some of your story at BYU Education Week. And so I knew I had to come find you, and I rushed right over and introduced myself.
Can you tell me first about meeting Sister Yee and how that came about?
2:08
Jill McAuley: Thank you so much for asking about it. It was a remarkable experience for me. I was honored to be there that day when she spoke about a little of my story.
I initially met Kristin M. Yee when she came to the Seattle area to speak at a single adult conference that I was attending. And she had been presenting all day, and then she spoke again in the evening. And after her message, I had the opportunity to get to meet her for a second, and it was really special. She came down; I’m a little bit shorter than everyone because of my wheelchair. And she bent over, and she looked me in the eye, and she just — I felt so much love. She communicated the love of Jesus Christ to me. It was a beautiful, really warming, heartfelt experience.
And I didn’t get to say all I wanted to that day, but I went home, and I felt prompted to write her a letter. I knew she would be there again the second day of the conference, so I wrote that letter just sharing my testimony and a little bit about myself, and I gave it to her the next day. That was great.
And then a couple weeks later, I received a text message from her, and that was shocking to me that she, as busy as she is, would take the time to send me a little message thanking me for what I had shared in my letter. She was so personable. At that conference, she spent two hours talking to people who waited to speak with her after her message. And so it further showed her care for the one, her divine calling to be a leader in our Church throughout the world; but also, she cared individually for me.
And so, when she sent me another message a couple months later, asking if she could share some of my story and some of the letter that I wrote her, it was very touching. And it was a testimony builder that if we have a desire in our heart, that the Lord can use us as an instrument in His hands to teach and bless His children. So, hearing my story shared in the Marriott Center — which I never pictured myself being on the jumbotron of the Marriott Center — but it was very, very surreal and very peaceful, and I felt so seen and known by God.
4:36
Mary Richards: My introduction just now was adapted from some of your own words that you sent to Sister Yee and that she shared in that address. I was so struck by that lesson of identity — those words that you had written — that you shared and then she shared.
Can you tell me more about those hours, those days, weeks and months and more after the accident and what you learned about yourself?
5:04
Jill McAuley: Well, the words that come to mind first of all, when I go back to that place, that time, was “shock” and “broken.” It’s hard to explain, because everything that I had ever known about how to live and move in this world was completely altered, and it was very — it completely changed the literal way I even see my life. I’m a couple feet shorter, so even that was impacted, but how I just moved and navigated life was very different.
And I spent a lot of months in the hospital initially and did a lot of therapy. I spent a lot of time in the therapy room at the hospital, which had mirrors that lined all of the walls, and that was difficult to see the reflection of what I now looked like in this very different physical state, and it felt like looking into the eyes of a stranger. And all the ways that I had identified myself — as a singer and a horseback rider and someone who served people with my hands — those things weren’t true for me anymore.
And I wondered, “Who am I? Who is Jill McAuley?” And the Spirit graciously taught me and reminded me that I am a child of God and that no car accident or disability could remove that identifier from me. And that was a beautiful foundation and truth to then build the rest of my experience and the rest of my testimony on. It was just a very vivid and real lesson. And it wasn’t the end of the difficulties of accepting the way that I looked and the way that my body had changed.
For many years, it was very hard to look in a mirror. I referred to “the girl in the mirror”; that was my reflection. She was always sad, and she was angry, and she cried. But I was able to witness through the mirror her change as she and I accepted the beautiful truth that I am a daughter of God, and I will always be that. I am a sister, I’m an aunt, I am a friend. And those things, those identifiers, are eternal.
7:37
Mary Richards: That question, “Why me?” I’m sure, just with something — I mean, how could you not cry to the Lord? How do we not all do that sometimes, from our very heart, “Why me?”
But how can we ask this question in order to learn from the Lord and see His love for us? Or how have you done this?
7:59
Jill McAuley: I think sometimes we talk about that that’s not a very good question, but I think it’s all in how it’s asked, like you suggested. I think it’s a perfectly understandable question, especially when we go through something that is really difficult.
That question for me really transformed when I asked it with the intent to follow and act on the answer that the Lord would give. And it’s the same words, but the intent behind it grows up in God. And I think I’ve been able to seek and find answers to that question. “Why me?” Well, because God loves me. I’m having this experience because He wants to make something of me, and that requires experiences that can build spiritual muscles.
Maybe the question “Why now?” you know, “Why now?” Well, because this is a time for men and women to prepare to meet God (see Alma 34:32), and that requires us to develop characteristics of Jesus Christ and make eternal covenants that will enable us to enter His presence and the presence of our heavenly parents.
I asked, “Why this? Why paralysis?” And it’s because God allows very personalized circumstances to be part of our story so that He can help us and teach us through them. He didn’t cause my car accident, but He did allow it, and because I trust and believe that He is an all-loving God, this disability must have a purpose. And that has become my life mission, to seek out that purpose.
Our Heavenly Father is a God of deliverance. So if He didn’t deliver me from this in the way that I wanted, there must be a reason, and I get to find out why. As I seek and pray and study, I have the faith that He will show me why, and He actually has. I know God is good and has a plan for me because of Jesus. This is His plan of restoration, and it’s restoring me spiritually, and one day it will restore me physically. Jesus Christ is the answer to all of my “why” questions. He has become my “why.”
So, we often refer to this life and God’s plan as “the plan of salvation.” But I also love another name, which is “the plan of restoration,” and I am very much looking forward to being completely restored. The Church is being restored, but we are also, as individuals. I am being restored emotionally and physically. And I may still be paralyzed physically, but I am in the process, as we all are, of being restored and healed emotionally, spiritually and mentally. And I’m grateful that those things have happened, that I am experiencing the Atonement as it heals me in many ways and restores me and prepares me for the ultimate restoration through the Resurrection.
11:26
Mary Richards: I love that thought that you shared. It struck my mind: God is a God of deliverance. And I immediately started thinking of the times that He has delivered His people, right? He promises to, and He has. But sometimes it has come after a long time, 40 years, all these things.
You’ve spoken about this idea of the wilderness and having a season in the wilderness. And throughout the scriptures, throughout Church history, we see God’s children going into the wilderness.
And so, what can we learn from all of this?
12:02
Jill McAuley: Yes, it’s something that has brought me a lot of comfort as I’ve pondered on this idea of the wilderness seasons that we all experience in our lives. And it’s reminded me of the children of Israel. I think of the children of Israel and Nephi, Lehi and their families, that they were rescued. The children of Israel were saved from their bondage and their slavery by God taking them into the wilderness. Lehi was instructed that in order to be saved from the destruction that was coming to Jerusalem, that they had to go into the wilderness.
And as I thought about that, I could see that those scripture stories were my story. I felt in bondage from my paralysis. I wondered where God was to part the waters and create an escape for me. Then the Spirit showed me that it was in this wilderness season that I had received many miracles. I didn’t have water come from rocks or the Spirit of the Lord at night like the children of Israel did. But I had many miracles that I’d been delivered from, in real ways, in the middle of this wilderness season.
There was a time when I was in deep sorrow and really struggling with anger, and the Lord came and, through His Spirit, blessed me. I was a lonely college student feeling unseen and unknown when the Lord sent me a friend that I didn’t know that I needed. Salvation: another name for Jesus. He is the Prince of Peace. He is our salvation in the wilderness. It’s not just a period of time that’s difficult; it’s a preparation. It’s a place where we are humble enough and ready for God’s rescue.
So, anyone who is in a wilderness and wonders where salvation is, He is coming. The Prince of Peace has already paid the price for our salvation, and He will meet you in the middle of that wilderness.
14:24
Mary Richards: I’m struck with this thought that sometimes, maybe, I tend to think in my own life that once I learn a lesson, check, I’ve learned it, I’ve become better, I’ve moved on.
But do you see in your own journey various times where you’ve had this happen for you? God teaches you a lesson, but then you also struggle again, or you find it to learn it anew, or things like that, if that makes sense?
14:51
Jill McAuley: Yes, it does. I was actually thinking about that just yesterday. I have difficult aspects of my health condition that I have to deal with that sometimes feel very repetitive, and often they bring up lessons that I need to learn. And just yesterday, I said, “I thought I had already learned this. I thought I had already been through this.” But yet, I think there are so many different aspects to those lessons.
And so that thought, and thinking through it yesterday really helped me to maybe dig a little bit deeper and say, “Maybe there’s something else here that I still need to learn.” And it takes a lot of humility and trust, but I think that is the spiraling-upward effect the gospel and the Atonement have as we really apply ourselves and our circumstances to them and apply them to us. And I really feel like those are the deep conversations and places where we really feel the effects and the blessings of the grace that comes through the Atonement.
16:04
Mary Richards: “Spiraling upward.” What a great phrase. I’m writing that down.
I’ve been pondering on that, this idea of the covenant path seeming pretty straight; we just go forward. But in some ways, there’s a circular or spiral function to it. I was at a devotional at the Provo Missionary Training Center with Young Women General President Emily Belle Freeman, and she talked about this circular pattern of faith and then repentance and then baptism — or that next ordinance, maybe the sacrament on Sunday — receiving an influx of the Spirit, which makes us want to repent. We gain faith, we move forward. And so it was this circular pattern of the way that we work, but it’s all with that word you used, “spiraling upward.”
Jill McAuley: Yes, it does. I’m sure I probably got that idea from her. She is one of my spiritual heroes, so no doubt.
17:05
Mary Richards: When it comes to other lessons and things you’ve learned, what have you learned about service, serving others and also allowing others to serve you?
17:15
Jill McAuley: Well, I’ve had many thousands of hours of opportunity to learn about giving and receiving service. I tried to calculate recently, just to try and quantify, maybe, how many hours of service I’ve been given over the last 25 years. And it was quite impossible. I came up with a number like 58,000 hours, but I think that is a gross underestimation.
I need a lot of help, and that was a real transition for me, because at 18, we’re starting to become independent, we’re self-sufficient, we’re living on our own. And that was definitely where I was in my life, and suddenly, I was almost completely dependent on others for help. And it’s a real transition, because it takes a lot of humility in how to receive help from others with grace, without feeling resentful for the help that I need or for the help I’m being given for those amazing people who are willing to do that.
And I think in our Church, too, we sometimes, as we should, focus a lot on service and giving service. And the ways that I’d always envisioned and acted out service was through my hands, and I can’t use my hands. So, then how do I give service? I’ve had to think a lot about that and what does it really mean to fulfill our covenant to serve, to mourn with people, to follow those things that we promise when we’re baptized.
And I’ve creatively had to find new ways other than baking a casserole or picking up someone’s kids. But it’s been a beautiful trust exercise to know and believe that the intents of my heart and my desire to care and love others that I’ll be giving away. And I’m grateful for Jesus Christ, who is our spiritual caregiver, that because of Him and His graciousness to me, I’m able to pay it forward and be incredibly grateful for all of the service that I receive on a daily basis.
19:47
Mary Richards: With Him being a spiritual caregiver, this makes me think of how when I was asking about service, I was thinking about maybe, yeah, that physical service, but there’s spiritual service also. Your words, I know, help and bless people, and your ability to listen to them and have that empathy and understanding. But the words that you share also is a way to serve, if that’s ever your heart or your mind in that way.
20:18
Jill McAuley: Thank you so much. That’s very generous of you. I try to do as the Savior would and love others. And I think empathy is different than sympathy, and I’m given the opportunity, through having some difficult things in my life, to be able to empathize with others. Jesus Christ gave us so much when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross, but one thing that He received Himself was perfect empathy, and that came through His sacrifice. And so, hopefully I can also exemplify that empathy and give that to others freely.
21:01
Mary Richards: I’ve been wondering, and maybe this is a tough question, but with how maybe some people speak to you or treat you, how do you use your agency to respond differently when there might be times, I’m sure, when you could be offended or deeply hurt?
21:18
Jill McAuley: It’s interesting that you would ask that question. I’ve received that question in different forms many times, and I think it’s because people would like to know how they can respond themselves, because we all run into circumstances where we can be offended. I’ve had very well-meaning and dear friends at church and in my ward who said something that was inappropriate or ill-informed. And this world, when I go out in the world, maybe there’s no parking, maybe there’s stairs that I can’t access a building, either sometimes people ignore me, or maybe they stare at me. There are plenty of opportunities where I could find to be offended.
And this question made me think of the talk “Peacemakers Needed” by President Russell M. Nelson, which he gave in the last couple of years. And I love the idea that peacemaking is a choice, just as contention is a choice, and we can choose contention or reconciliation, he says. And he urged us to choose to be a peacemaker now and always. And so I think it comes down to our personal agency and the choice that we can make to be a peacemaker, to not be offended. And that can be tricky, but the effort is always worth it. And at a time when I was wondering how I would serve people, my mom amazingly said to me that allowing other people to serve you is a way of serving them.
23:06
Mary Richards: Oh, I love that. I imagine some may see your life as limited in many ways, and you’ve talked about some of those limitations, obviously, that you have.
But how have you found freedom despite limitations, or perhaps because of limitations?
23:24
Jill McAuley: I appreciate the distinction in your question between freedom despite my limitations versus finding freedom because of my limitations. As I’ve thought about that and pondered it, the freedom I found really has come because of my limitations, which seems it doesn’t quite make sense, but my paralysis has become the catalyst and the motivator for me to seek after freedom. And I’ve found spiritual freedom from my physical bondage as I placed Jesus Christ at the center of my life.
I remember a time when I was sitting in my wheelchair on the back deck behind my house. And as you mentioned, I live in Seattle, where it’s very green, and it’s surrounded by lots of trees. It was a particularly beautiful day, and I was just overcome with the gratitude for the creations that God has surrounded us with. And I decided right then that no matter what, I’m going to find Jesus in my story. No matter how hard or how good life gets, I will seek and find Jesus. And that moment was the moment when I used my agency to choose Christ, and that was a moment of freedom. That decision freed me from the uncertainty that might arise when life gets hard and we can’t quite reconcile it with a loving God. My choice removed that burden and freed me to “doubt not, but be believing” (Mormon 9:27).
I have very physical limitations, but we can also experience limiting beliefs. And early on, I had the limiting belief that if I could go back to the 18-year-old version of myself, that life would be better. But the Spirit showed me that in many ways, the 18-year-old version of me was even more limited than I am now, because she was naive, she was nearsighted, she was inconsistent in her testimony. So, even though my physical body is still in bondage to the frailties of this world, a divine perspective continues to show me that I am more free now.
And I found a scripture that confirms what I had been experiencing. It’s in 2 Corinthians 3:17, and it says, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.” So the Spirit of Jesus Christ, I discovered and learned for myself, brings me freedom. I’m free because of my faith in Jesus, and that escape didn’t come from going backwards to the younger version of myself. It came through the salvation and rescue and freedom which is available through Jesus Christ. He offers us limitless freedom, and I’m grateful every day for His faithfulness and His patience as He shepherds me toward it.
26:49
Mary Richards: In Sister Yee’s address at BYU Education Week, that same address where she spoke about you and where we met, she talked about how when she paints — because she’s an artist — certain colors only come with layers of paint and glazes built upon each other. And she said, “The most beautiful parts of our [own] lives only come with layers of life experience [and] challenges [and] heartache [and] growth, trusting our whole heart and soul to God.”
So, how have all of these things, these layers, all these different parts of your life, worked in your life for your good?
27:28
Jill McAuley: Sometimes this mortal life feels like a battlefield. We get wounded, and we get scarred. And I think that, to me, relates to these layers of our experiences that build upon one another, that she mentioned. And it makes me think of a time when I decided to study everywhere in the New Testament where the hands of Jesus were mentioned. And I am really obsessed with hands, because I didn’t really appreciate mine until I couldn’t use them. In this study, I learned a lot about the hands of Jesus.
One of the stories that I remember that stood out to me the most was after Jesus was crucified, He came to the people in the Americas in 3 Nephi. And you remember this; there was a large group gathered around the temple. And the scripture says that He descended from heaven, but at first, people didn’t recognize Him. They thought He was an angel. And He stretched out His hands and introduced Himself. And at that point, they started to remember who He was and what had been prophesied. (See 3 Nephi 11:8-12.)
And He says to them, “Thrust your hands in my side, that you can feel the prints of the nails in my hands and feet, and that you will know that I am the God of the whole earth and have been slain for the sins of the world” (see 3 Nephi 11:13-14). And it was then, in that moment, that they started to even more recognize Him, because they were able to feel and see and have an experience with the scars of His wounds. And the wounds of His sacrifice really became their identity to Him. And that’s when the Spirit whispered to me, “Your identity is being shaped by your wounds and your scars and your sacrifices.”
I love how in the Old Testament, that we see that sacrifice means to make something holy. I hope that I’m becoming a more holy daughter of God as I willingly sacrifice my wounded and weak and imperfect and disabled body to our Heavenly Father. And I pray that my identity and nature is being refined and that God will accept my humble sacrifice. So, I think it’s those layers of the paintings and the art that she’s referring to in this analogy that really builds who we are. They build our experiences. They build the opportunities for us to refine our testimonies and our character. And I think it’s in my wounds and my scars that that is happening.
30:19
Mary Richards: I love how you were studying Jesus Christ and His life and His appearances and all of these testimonies of Him in the New Testament and in the Book of Mormon.
Can you tell me more about gaining your own testimony of Jesus Christ?
30:38
Jill McAuley: I think I was born and gifted with a natural gift of faith. It’s easy for me to believe, but after my accident, I relied too heavily on my own abilities to trust. And that’s important, but I was trying to do too much on my own. I believed and just had faith that if I could just endure, if I could just make it to the end, that one day on the other side, that everything would be made right.
But eventually that got too heavy, and it became too much, and I realized that I couldn’t do it on my own just by enduring and pushing through. I realized that I had been denying the gifts that Jesus so freely offers. And that started a journey of discovery and a process of humbling myself and realizing that I needed help, and that was OK, that I had been shown and realized that I needed to accept and receive the blessings of the Atonement.
And that really blessed me to establish a personal relationship with Christ as I came to the sacrament table every week and really prayed and offered my life, whatever it looked like, to lay it at His feet and trust and believe that He will accept it and He will strengthen me.
32:20
Mary Richards: Thank you so much, Jill, for teaching me, for being here with us on the Church News podcast, and all that I’ve learned from you during this conversation and the Spirit I’ve felt.
Our last question on the Church News podcast is always, “What do you know now?” And so, through your life experience and all the things we’ve talked about and more, what do you know now about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and your identity?
32:51
Jill McAuley: After my accident, I thought that all my hopes and dreams were gone; there was no opportunity for joy or hope in this life because of the devastation that I’d experienced. But the last 25 years has been a process of me learning that God’s hopes and dreams were always better than mine were and that the way that I can see them come to pass for eternity is through Jesus Christ.
I have learned very literally that strength comes through weakness and that beauty can come from ashes (see Isaiah 61:3). I know that Jesus Christ is my salvation and that He will rescue me in this wilderness season of my life. And like President Camille N. Johnson shared in her general conference address, she said that “through our faith in Jesus Christ, we can seek to be spiritually whole while we wait and hope for physical and emotional healing,” and I know that’s true.
I know that we can choose to follow Jesus Christ and believe in Him and trust that He can make us whole and that we can have joy in this life, even while we wait for healing. I know that, like Paul, that I can glory in my infirmities (see 2 Corinthians 12:5), because they are the pathway to develop a deep relationship with Christ. And I know if I had not had this experience of being paralyzed, that I might not know the joy of my redemption.
34:38
Mary Richards: Thank you for listening to the Church News podcast. I’m Church News reporter Mary Richards. I hope you learned something today about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and had your faith in the Savior increase by looking through the Church News window as a living record of the Restoration. Please subscribe, rate and review this podcast so it can be accessible to more people. And if you enjoyed the messages we shared today, please share the podcast with others. Thanks to our guests; to my producer, KellieAnn Halvorsen; and to others who make this podcast possible. Join us every week for a new episode. Find us on your favorite podcasting channels or with other news and updates about the Church on TheChurchNews.com or on the Church News app.
