“It’s my mom’s fault!”
Those are the words I heard from one of the young men on our backpacking adventure when he realized he did not have something he wanted.
“Why is it her fault?” I asked.
“Because she packed my backpack,” the young man said.
I determined to do a better job explaining to the young men and some well-meaning parents that it was the boys’ job to pack their own backpack. They may have to learn from some mistakes, but they would learn to own their mistakes.
Of course, I didn’t want young men to fail in unproductive ways. I would oversee the young men’s preparation, but I knew that entrusting and empowering young men with real responsibility was essential to their learning and growth. Is it easier for a leader or parent to pack a boy’s backpack themselves? Yes, but what do the boys learn from that?
The goal is not always a well-packed backpack. It is a well-taught youth. Just ask Nephi, Mormon, Helaman’s warriors and other youth in the scriptures who were given great responsibilities at young ages.
Carol Dweck, Stanford University professor of psychology, pioneered the study of fixed and growth mindsets. In essence, those with a growth mindset believe that their abilities can be increased by making the effort to learn and develop. Young men who are challenged and given real responsibility learn their efforts pay off. They also experience productive failure, which reframes struggle as an opportunity rather than a threat.
By contrast, youth who are under-challenged may internalize the message that they are not capable or not needed. Shielding young men from hard things creates fragility because they never learn they can adapt or recover.
In presidency meetings and youth councils, are young men being given meaningful responsibilities?
Are leaders communicating trust by allowing boys to struggle with real concerns and generate solutions on their own?
Are leaders remembering to follow up with “scaffolded” support — temporary and adjustable assistance according to the need, like the scaffolding on a building under construction?
Leaders help build responsible youth by providing encouragement (“You’ve got this”), training (“Think it through in advance”), feedback (“Good job”), and facilitating reflection (“What went well? What didn’t go so well?”).
Direct young men to resources found in the Gospel Library. In the “Youth” section, you’ll find “Helps for Presidencies,” which contain valuable “Leadership Lessons” and “Planning Documents” that provide tools and training for youth.
Don’t shy away from activities that demand extra effort. Once, when serving as a mission president in Cameroon, I asked one of our missionaries, “How are you managing the rigors of a mission in sub-Saharan Africa?”
He answered, “Because I prepared for, struggled through and eventually succeeded in completing a 50-mile trek as a youth.”
The Savior learned through the most difficult experience of all. As He performed the Atonement, He suffered “according to the flesh” so He could understand and lift us in our infirmities. In Alma 7 we read, “[Jesus] will take upon Him their infirmities, that His bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that He may know according to the flesh how to succor His people according to their infirmities. Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that He might take upon him the sins of His people” (verses 12-13).
— Brother R. Todd Miner is a member of the Young Men general advisory council.
